JUNE 20

My reasons for writing this are two-fold, selfish and unselfish.  I've always wondered if I could write so it's time to try.  I know that I can't sing, dance, rap (thank goodness!) or write poetry.  I've never been, nor will I ever be, a raving beauty.  The raving part, for sure at times, but never the beauty.  I'll never sprout up to 5'10", the boobs sank south long ago, the extra weight that I managed to lose a few times is back and I guess it will see me to my grave.  There's not enough time left for me to lose it again.  Sigh...  The blond hair of my youth, long ago, could be had again.  Not sure how many bottles of bleach it would take but I could make it happen!  But why bother?  There are enough bottle-blonds in this place already, I figure they don't need another.  Sooo, perhaps I can write.  Or, perhaps not.  Either way, I won't be here to care!

Mostly though, I want for you and your 5 siblings to know what went on before.  When you're all older, grayer and wondering why you are as you are or, more likely, why your siblings are as they are, you can refer back to these letters and say, "Ah, so that's why John is the way he is.  He takes after Dad!"

Best part about writing this?  It's supposedly therapeutic to write things down but there's nothing therapeutic about writing things down if you 'get caught'.  If someone reads this while I'm still alive, I'll feel as though I've been 'caught' and going to get 'shit' from someone.  I'd be afraid that someone would confiscate it, like a school child, or worse, read it or worst of all, read it out loud!  I've been treated with enough disrespect, criticism and contempt to last 10 people a lifetime and cannot take any chances.  I'm hiding these letters really well.  When I'm gone, they'll be mailed to you and I will never have to see your reaction.  I'll never have to see anyone's reaction ever again and that's kind of a relief!  Not the way I imagined my life playing out but does anyone get to live his life the way he wishes?  The very thing that I have dreaded the most, the certainty of my impending death, has indeed freed me to do things I feared so much in the past!!

I've added this picture of a blond Miss Piggy, dear daughter, to help to lighten the mood for you.  It's a pretty heavy subject matter and maybe I'm doing more for myself!

http://www.cherishedfriends.com/