TO MY DEAREST DAUGHTER. JUNE 14

As I sit here dying a little more each day, approaching death's door little by little, I've come to realize a few things.  I realize how quickly time flies.  I realize that I need to put my thoughts down on paper before they are no more, before time leaves me for good. 

I realize that people spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out how they became who they are and why they behave as they do.  The sum of our total does not derive only from own experiences but also from the experiences of those who have gone before us.  We pass on our own fears, worries, expectations and our lack of expectations from certain kinds of people and certain situations. 

I know that my own children are who they are and make the decisions they do partly because of their own experiences in life, the experiences of their friends and neighbors but also because of the attitudes, likes and dislikes of their father and myself.  It's impossible to leave our own views out of things but it can be equally uplifting or damaging.  Many choices made in my life - some by me, some for me and some against me - contributed to the lifelong sense of helplessness and rage I've felt and I KNOW I've passed it on.  My intentions may have been pure but the impact is just as intense - either wanting to curl up on your bed and wither away or tearing into the world head-on, stopping at nothing and stepping on everything in order to control the world around you.  All 6 of my children have chosen 1 form or other in order to cope, usually to some extreme.